I don’t really know what to do anymore. People ask me to trust them and I say no; I say no because I’ve learned not to. But eventually, one comes along who grinds me down…and then lets me down soon after.
I feel so alone, so desperately alone that at times I just don’t think I can do this anymore. Sometimes it hurts just to breathe; to voluntarily keep myself in trapped within this chaotic existence. It feels like there is no out. No way forward and no way back…so that I’m just stuck here in the middle of the in between, with both walls closing in on me at once.
I want to go, I need to go…but where? There is no place in this world where I can go that will protect me from the memories inside my mind. They’re here forever, but I don’t have to be. If I disappear then they will too; what a distasteful thought to have weighed upon your mind but yet a truthful one at that. I’m lost but I cannot be found, because there is no-one left here to be seen. I have already found my place amongst the shadows.
I’ve certainly been there and you describe it so well. I know life can seem hopeless at times and it might be impossible to believe that things will get better, but they always do. Let your intellectual side tell you that your feelings are not everything and that many times they exaggerate the evil. Try to lean on others for support and be always accompanied even if you don’t want to. Hang in there. You have much to offer the world through your beautiful writing!
The thing is I already let myself lean on someone and now they’re gone. They always leave.
I’m just not worth the hassle.